If your student is navigating a loss, here are 12 ways to help:

1.  Offer opportunities to talk about death and loss as they  experience it in everyday life.

2.  Include youth in rituals whenever possible and appropriate. 

3.  Share your expressions of sadness and pain. 

4.  Be available to listen. 

5.  Pay attention to a youth’s behavior and let them know when  you notice a change. 

6.  Answer all questions about death and loss as honestly as possible. 

7.  Be willing to wonder and explore answers to their questions. 

8.  Face your own feelings of grief. 

9.  Do not isolate or insulate young people from grief. Remember  grief is normal. 

10. Continue to expect a young person to function. Be firm, yet  gentle and kind. 

11. Find help for youth who need it. Refer to support groups or  counseling as needed. 

12. Continue to be available over time. Remember grief will be revisited throughout their lives. Reach out and continue to care, just as you are now! 

Finding the Right Words

Expressions to Use:

• I am sorry for your pain.
• I am sorry about  X’s death, and I’d like to help in any way I can. 
• I am here for you whenever you need me. 
• I can’t know how you feel, but I want to help you in any way I can.

Expressions to Avoid: 

• I understand/know how you feel.    
• Move on ‐ get over it. 
• You must be over it by now. 
• You’re doing such a wonderful job!    
• It could be worse, you still have …. 
• You’ll be strong because of this. 
• It was G‐d’s will. 
• X is in a better place.

(Adapted from Laura Bray Harting, CSW (1995), The Center of Living with Loss)

While many children are initially exposed to the rituals associated with Memorial Services through the death of older relatives, the first experience for other children may be through the death of a friend or peer. And although memorial rituals are obviously tied to culture, ethnicity, and religion and reflect many variations in the actual activities that take place, there is generally a consistency in the concerns children experience about attending 
memorial events. 
 
Unfortunately, for us as parents, our children may not be able to articulate these concerns. Even teenagers may be embarrassed to acknowledge their uneasiness about going to Memorial Service activities. So here are some simple guidelines to help you sensitively broach a conversation about Memorial Service attendance and understand and address what may be your child’s unspoken concerns: 

1. First, defuse your own anxiety about talking about death and Memorial Services by remembering that most of your child’s concerns come from being exposed to an unfamiliar situation. While there may certainly be questions about what happens when we die, this does not have to be that kind of conversation. This is simply a way of helping prepare your child for another new life experience. If you frame it in this context, it doesn’t become such a big deal and it fits in more easily with more common parenting discussions. 

2. In any unknown situation, understanding what will happen is the easiest way to feel prepared. Describe what the experience will be like in as much detail as possible. Consider saying something like what this parent explained to her middle school son:

“When we go into the church for the Memorial Service, there may be a book at the door where we can sign our names so Jamie’s family will know we came to visit. We’ll probably have to wait in a long line because lots of other people will be there, too. Jamie’s family will be in the front of the room. Sometimes after the service, people are asked to walk by them to tell them how sad we are that Jamie died. Sometimes people will tell them a story about Jamie- how much they liked him, or what they did  together. You can think about this and see what you feel like saying if we are asked to speak with the family.  If you don’t want to say anything, that’s okay, too. There may be lots of pictures of Jamie and his family and friends and may even be things in the room that he loved like sports equipment or artwork that he created around the room. If you want, we can take a look at these before we leave. Do you have any questions?” 

This step-by-step review of the process paints a mental picture that allows your child to mentally rehearse attendance at the actual event. The anxiety and worry about the unknown will be immediately diminished when your child enters the Memorial Service and sees a similar picture to the one you have described. This behavioral rehearsal works well for younger children, but even older children can benefit from similar explanations. 

3. Acknowledge worries about looking silly or saying something stupid by making them universal and providing an example of what your child can say. “You know, most people worry about saying something silly or stupid at Memorial Services because it’s so hard to know the right things to say or do. The best rule is to keep it simple. ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ or ‘I’m sorry Jamie died’ is absolutely enough!” 

4. Memorial Services, especially those of children, tend to be pretty emotional events, and children may worry that they’ll be upset. Be honest, validate the feeling but outline an escape. “You know, a lot of people do get upset at Memorial Services. What happened is very sad, so crying is a really normal reaction and most people are so caught up in their own feelings that they’re really not paying any attention to anyone else. But, I’ll carry some extra tissues with me just in case you or I need one. And if you change your mind about staying, just let me know and we can leave at any time.” 

5. For whatever reason, some children may balk at going to a Memorial Service. Let it be. If a child is forced to attend, it transforms the child’s unease into an unnecessary power struggle. There are lots of ways to offer support and condolences to the bereaved family so simply suggest something else, like writing a short sympathy card. 

6. Accompany your child. Having your support at an unfamiliar, emotional event like a Memorial Service helps model an important life skill- how being together at a time of sadness helps get us through. If you can, pair your attendance at the event with something nurturing, like a stop on the way home to get a snack or a treat.

Grief tends to be mixed with trauma when a loss is sudden and unexpected. Grief is a normal reaction to loss, with its symptoms diminishing over time. If the loss is sudden or unexpected this natural reaction may be delayed by feelings of worry or fear, shock, and a traumatic response. There are ways to help support a teenager through these reactions and throughout the grief process.

Listen and Give Support

• Explain what has happened and answer their questions honestly and truthfully
• Listen to their words and pay attention to their feelings. Watch their body language.
• Encourage teens to express their feelings and reactions so you can help them deal with all that is going on inside of them in a safe place.
• Be patient and supportive and assure them that their reactions are understandable, common and normal. Do not rush their process.
• Do not be judgmental and punitive. Teens need to feel safe with you, especially when they are feeling scared and hurt.
• Remember that anyone who experiences a traumatic loss may feel scared and vulnerable and needs to feel emotionally safe.
• Do not tell the teens how they should feel and react. Listen and support them as they share.
• Tell them what you appreciate about them. Teens need positive support after trauma or traumatic loss even more than usual.

Be Understanding and Accepting

• Concentration and memory are often impaired and teens may need help getting work done.
• Understand that teens often want to be with their friends and not their families.
• Know that teens may exhibit childish, immature behaviors, regress back to earlier stages of development and then act very mature and adult.
• Remember that everyone recovers differently and that teens may seem to be fine at first and then need help later.

Encourage and Be Involved

• Help teens get back into a routine as soon as possible even if they cannot do all they used to do.
• Sometimes teens talk better and share more when they are doing activities such as walking, driving, games, sports, hobbies or similar activities. This is especially true for boys.
• Suggest that they can express their reactions and feelings through writing journals, art, music, drama, dance or other expressive media.
• Give them appropriate responsibilities and duties, and expect that they will fulfill them. Support them when they do and help them get on track if they don’t.
• Encourage them to get involved with positive activities with other teens.

Be Aware and Concerned

• Watch for changes in their behavior (eg., a usually outgoing teen becomes withdrawn or a well-behaved teen starts acting out). This may call for deeper discussions or professional intervention if it continues months.
• Teens often withdraw from everyone when they are dealing with difficult reactions. Support them, but monitor their television watching, computer time, social media and listening to music.
• Watch for signs of substance use and abuse; help them find other ways of coping.
• Statements of hopelessness and seeing no reason to keep on living by teens should be confronted in a caring, supportive discussion. Professional intervention may be needed.
• If you feel comfortable, share your own reactions appropriately.
• If you do not feel comfortable talking about the trauma, about death or about this particular trauma, refer the teen to someone who does.
• Take care of yourself so you can continue to help teens and be a healthy role model.

Remember: Most people who experience a traumatic loss learn coping skills and grow stronger as they feel support through the experience.

Adapted from: Association of Traumatic Stress Specialists

Congitive Signs

• Forgetfulness: Children may forget school assignments, book reports, or backpacks at home.
• Disorganization: It may take a grieving child an hour to do what previously took 15 minutes.
• Inability to concentrate: Grieving children may “day dream” and find it hard to stay focused.
• Inability to retain information

Ways to Help

• Help students establish routines or develop schedules.
• Remind them to write down important things.
• Outline reading material and Highlight important facts
• Read “out loud” instead of to oneself
• Complete homework in segments – encourage students to work in 20 minutes segments, with 5 minute breaks.
• Have a get-together with friends to help the grieving student catch up.

Emotional Signs

• Lack of interest or motivation – even if the child is doing something s/he loves.
• Crying at unexpected times – Children may experience sudden, overwhelming waves of grief.
• Lowered tolerance level and increased impatience: Grieving children may be impatient, especially if someone else complains of something perceived as trivial, i.e., “bad hair day.”
• Hyperactivity and/joking

Ways to Help

• Gentle encouragement to continue with regular activities.
• Identify a place inside (quiet reading area) and outside the classroom (guidance counselor’s office) if the student feels stressed or upset.
• Sensitively maintain usual expectations, academic standards and discipline.
• Normalize feelings by letting student know that it is okay to feel irritable, sad, and even angry. Remind student that is not a good idea to take out feelings on others.
• If needed, develop a personal support plan.

Physical Signs

• Feeling tired, lacking energy: Grieving children may feel fatigue, even with enough sleep.
• Aches and pains: Children may experience stomachaches and headaches
• Non-serious, recurrent illnesses such as colds, sore throats
• Difficulty sleeping: May have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or experience disturbing dreams

Ways to Help

• Encourage regular sleep, healthy eating and exercise.
• Develop plan with school nurse as needed for brief check-ins or rest.
• Allow for a brief call home to talk with parent or caregiver.
• Develop a bedtime routine that allows for extra time together to talk, read together, listen to soothing music or just be together.

Social Signs

• Decreased interest in interacting with friends or activities
• Change in peer group: Children may seek out peers who have experienced a similar loss.
• Noncompliance with adults
• Regressive behavior: Children may be more “clingy” or engage in other “babyish” behaviors.
• Angry Outbursts

Ways to Help

• Prepare child’s peers and friends for the student’s sadness and encourage them to continue to provide opportunities for normal activities and interactions.
• Help students plan for handling questions for other peers and adults in their lives.
• Uphold school standards in a compassionate way.
• Help children learn ways to safely express powerful emotions (physical activity, drawing, and writing).

Remember:

• It is not unusual for children to experience a temporary drop in academic performance.
• Children may be reluctant or refuse to go to school. The first step to address this issue is to understand it from the child’s perspective. Is the child anxious about being separated from his or her parent? Perhaps they are having difficulty concentrating and grades are dropping. Understanding will help to direct appropriate intervention.

Additional resources are available at the TIG website. 

Most suicidal individuals give some warning of their intentions. The most effective way to prevent a friend or loved one from taking his or her life is to recognize the factors that put people at risk for suicide, take warning signs seriously and know how to respond.

Psychiatric Disorders – more than 90 percent of people who die by suicide are suffering from one or more psychiatrict disorders, in particular:

• Major depression (especially when combined with alcohol and/or drug abuse)
• Bipolar depression
• Alcohol abuse and dependence
• Drug abuse and dependence
• Schizophrenia
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Eating disorders
• Personality disorders

Depression and the other mental disorders that may lead to suicide are -- in most cases -- both recognizable and treatable. Remember, depression can be lethal. The core symptoms of major depression are a "down" or depressed mood most of the day or a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were previously enjoyed for at least two weeks, as well as:

• Changes in sleeping patterns
• Change in appetite or weight
• Intense anxiety, agitation, restlessness or being slowed down
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Decreased concentration, indecisiveness or poorer memory
• Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, self-reproach or excessive or inappropriate guilt
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

Past Suicide Attempts – Between 25 and 50 percent of people who kill themselves had previously attempted suicide. Those who have made suicide attempts are at higher risk for actually taking their own lives.

Availability of means

• In the presence of depression and other risk factors, ready access to guns and other weapons, medications or other methods of self-harm increases suicide risk.

Recognize the Imminent Dangers – The signs that most directly warn of suicide include:

• Threatening to hurt or kill oneself
• Looking for ways to kill oneself (weapons, pills or other means)
• Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide
• Has made plans or preparations for a potentially serious attempt

Other warning signs include expressions or other indications of certain intense feelings in addition to depression, in particular:

• Insomnia
• Intense anxiety, usually exhibited as psychic pain or internal tension, as well as panic attacks
• Feeling desperate or trapped -- like there's no way out
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling there's no reason or purpose to live
• Rage or anger

Certain behaviors can also serve as warning signs, particularly when they are not characteristic of the person's normal behavior. These include:

• Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities
• Engaging in violent or self-destructive behavior
• Increasing alcohol or drug use
• Withdrawing from friends or family

Take it Seriously

• Fifty to 75 percent of all suicides give some warning of their intentions to a friend or family member.
• Imminent signs must be taken seriously.

Be Willing to Listen

• Start by telling the person you are concerned and give him/her examples.
• If he/she is depressed, don't be afraid to ask whether he/she is considering suicide, or if he/she has a particular plan or method in mind.
• Ask if they have a therapist and are taking medication.
• Do not attempt to argue someone out of suicide. Rather, let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone, that suicidal feelings are temporary and that depression can be treated. Avoid the temptation to say, "You have so much to live for," or "Your suicide will hurt your family."

Seek Professional Help

• Be actively involved in encouraging the person to see a physician or mental health professional immediately.
• Individuals contemplating suicide often don't believe they can be helped, so you may have to do more.
• Help the person find a knowledgeable mental health professional or a reputable treatment facility, and take them to the treatment.

In an Acute Crisis

• If a friend or loved one is threatening, talking about or making plans for suicide, these are signs of an acute crisis.
• Do not leave the person alone.
• Remove from the vicinity any firearms, drugs or sharp objects that could be used for suicide.
• Call 911 or go to an emergency room, walk-in clinic or the nearest hospital. Alternatively, you may contact Rochester Community Mobil Crisis Team at 585-529-3721 for an on-site evaluaton.
• Assistance is also available by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or Rochester LIFE LINE at 585-275-5151.

Content courtesy of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

“What should I tell the children?” A question often asked after the suicide of a loved one. The answer - the truth.

Many people still believe it is best to shield children from the truth, that somehow this will protect them. More often than not, the opposite is true. Misleading children, evading the truth, or telling falsehoods to them about how someone died can do much more harm than good; if they happen to hear the truth from someone else, their trust in you can be difficult to regain. Not knowing can be terrifying and hurtful. We’ve always been told that “honesty is the best policy” and just because the subject is suicide, that doesn't mean this time is any different.

What children might be feeling after losing someone they love to suicide:

• Abandoned - that the person who died didn't love them.
• Feel the death is their fault - if they would have loved the person more or behaved differently.
• Afraid that they will die too.
• Worried that someone else they love will die or worry about who will take care of them.
• Guilt - because they wished or thought of the person's death.
• Sad
• Embarrassed - to see other people or to go back to school.
• Confused.
• Angry - with the person who died, at God, at everyone.
• Lonely.
• Denial - pretend like nothing happened.
• Numb - can't feel anything.
• Wish it would all just go away.

Children and adolescents may have a multitude of feelings happening at the same time or simply may not feel anything at all. Whatever they are feeling, the important thing to remember is that they understand it is okay; that whatever those feelings are, they have permission to let them out. If they want to keep them to themselves for a while, that's okay too.

How do we explain suicide to children or young people? It may seem impossible and too complex to even try, but that’s exactly what we must do - try! Their age will be a factor in how much they can understand and how much information you give them. Some children will be content with an answer consisting of one or two sentences; others might have continuous questions, which they should be allowed to ask and to have answered.

After children learn that the death was by suicide, one of their first questions might be,

“What is suicide?” Explain that people die in different ways - some die from cancer, from heart attacks, some from car accidents, and that suicide means that a person did it to him or herself If they ask how, once again it will be difficult, but be honest.

Some examples of explaining why suicide happens might be:

“He had an illness in his brain (or mind) and he died.”

“His brain got very sick and he died.”

“The brain is an organ of the body just like the heart, liver and kidneys. Sometimes it can get sick, just like other organs.”

“She had an illness called depression and it caused her to die.”

(If someone the child knows, or the child herself, is being treated for depression, it’s critical to stress that only some people die from depression, not everyone that has depression. There are many options for getting help, e.g. medication, psychotherapy or a combination of both.)

A more detailed explanation might be:

“Our thoughts and feelings come from our brain, and sometimes a person's brain can get very sick - the sickness can cause a person to feel very badly inside. It also makes a person’s thoughts get all jumbled and mixed up, so he can’t think clearly. Some people can’t think of any other way of stopping the hurt they feel inside. They don't understand that they don’t have to feel that way, that they can get help.”

(It’s important to note that there are people who were getting help for their depression and died anyway. Just as in other illnesses, a person can receive the best medical treatment and still not survive. This can also be the case with depression. If this is what occurred in your family, children and adolescents can usually understand the analogy above when it is explained to them.)

Children need to know that the person who died loved them but that because of the illness, the person may have been unable to convey that to them or think about how the children would feel after the loved one's death. They need to know that the suicide was not their fault, and that nothing they said or did or didn't say or do, caused the death.

Some children might ask questions related to the morals of suicide - good/bad, right/wrong. It is best to steer clear of this, if possible. Suicide is none of these - it is something that happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with that pain.

Whatever approach is taken when explaining suicide to children, they need to know they can talk about it and ask questions whenever they feel the need, to know that there are people there who will listen. They need to know that they won’t always feel the way they do now, that things will get better, and that they will be loved and taken care of no matter what.

Suggested Reading:

• Bart Speaks Out: Breaking the Silence on Suicide by Linda Goldman, M.S.
• Child Survivors of Suicide: A Guidebook For Those Who Care For Them by Rebecca Parkin with Karen Dunne-Maxim
• When Dinosaurs Die - A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
• The Grieving Child: A Parent’s Guide by Helen Fitzgerald
• Talking About Death: A Dialogue between Parent & Child by Earl A. Grollman

Information courtesy of Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE), an organization dedicated to educating the public about suicide prevention.

Few events hit home for children and families like a school shooting. When children see such an event on television or on Web-based news flashes, it is natural for them to worry about their own school and their own safety, particularly if the violence occurred nearby or in a neighboring city or state.

Talk to your children

Psychologists who work in the area of trauma and recovery advise parents to use the troubling news of school shootings as an opportunity to talk and listen to their children. It is important, say these psychologists, to be honest. Parents should acknowledge to children that bad things do happen, but also reassure them with the information that many people are working to keep them safe, including their parents, teachers and local police.

Young children may communicate their fears through play or drawings. Elementary school children will use a combination of play and talking to express themselves. Adolescents are more likely to have the skills to communicate their feelings and fears verbally. Adults should be attentive to a child's concerns, but also try to help the children put their fears into proportion to the real risk. Again, it is important to reassure children that the adults in their lives are doing everything they can to make their environment — school, home and neighborhood — safe for them.

Parents, teachers and school administrators also need to communicate with one another not only about how to keep kids safe, but about which children might need more reassurance and the best way to give it to them.

Limit exposure to news coverage

Parents should also monitor how much exposure a child has to news reports of traumatic events, including these recent school shootings. Research has shown that some young children believe that the events are reoccurring each time they see a television replay of the news footage.

Know the warning signs

Most children are quite resilient and will return to their normal activities and personality relatively quickly, but parents should be alert to any signs of anxiety that might suggest that a child or teenager might need more assistance. Such indicators could be a change in the child's school performance, changes in relationships with peers and teachers, excessive worry, school refusal, sleeplessness, nightmares, headaches or stomachaches, or loss of interest in activities that the child used to enjoy. Also remember that every child will respond to trauma differently. Some will have no ill effects; others may suffer an immediate and acute effect. Still others may not show signs of stress until sometime after the event.

For more information, go to the APA Help Center.

Incidents of school violence or active shootings can evoke many emotions—sadness, grief, helplessness, anxiety, and anger. Children who are struggling with their thoughts and feelings about the stories and images of the shooting may turn to trusted adults for help and guidance.

Start the conversation. Talk about the shooting with your child. Not talking about it can make the event even more threatening in your child’s mind. Silence suggests that what has occurred is too horrible even to speak about or that you do not know what has happened. With social media (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, text messages, newsbreaks on favorite radio and TV stations, and others), it is highly unlikely that children and teenagers have not heard about this. Chances are your child has heard about it, too. 

What does your child already know? Start by asking what your child/teen already has heard about the events from the media and from friends. Listen carefully; try to figure out what he or she knows or believes. As your child explains, listen for misinformation, misconceptions, and underlying fears or concerns. Understand that this information will change as more facts about the shooting are known.

Gently correct inaccurate information. If your child/teen has inaccurate information or misconceptions, take time to provide the correct information in simple, clear, age appropriate language.

Encourage your child to ask questions, and answer those questions directly. Your child/teen may have some difficult questions about the incident. For example, she may ask if it is possible that it could happen at your workplace; she is probably really asking whether it is “likely.” The concern about re-occurrence will be an issue for caregivers and children/teens alike. While it is important to discuss the likelihood of this risk, she is also asking if she is safe. This may be a time to review plans your family has for keeping safe in the event of any crisis situation. Do give any information you have on the help and support the victims and their families are receiving. Like adults, children/teens are better able to cope with a difficult situation when they have the facts about it. Having question-and-answer talks gives your child ongoing support as he or she begins to cope with the range of emotions stirred up by this tragedy.

Limit media exposure. Limit your child’s exposure to media images and sounds of the shooting, and do not allow your very young children to see or hear any TV/radio shooting related messages. Even if they appear to be engrossed in play, children often are aware of what you are watching on TV or listening to on the radio. What may not be upsetting to an adult may be very upsetting and confusing for a child. Limit your own exposure as well. Adults may become more distressed with nonstop exposure to media coverage of this shooting.

Common reactions. Children/Teens may have reactions to this tragedy. In the immediate aftermath of the shooting, they may have more problems paying attention and concentrating. They may become more irritable or defiant. Children and even teens may have trouble separating from caregivers, wanting to stay at home or close by them. It’s common for young people to feel anxious about what has happened, what may happen in the future, and how it will impact their lives. Children/Teens may think about this event, even when they try not to. Their sleep and appetite routines may change. In general, you should see these reactions lessen within a few weeks.

Be a positive role model. Consider sharing your feelings about the events with your child/teen, but at a level they can understand. You may express sadness and empathy for the victims and their families. You may share some worry, but it is important to also share ideas for coping with difficult situations like this tragedy. When you speak of the quick response by law enforcement and medical personnel to help the victims (and the heroic or generous efforts of ordinary citizens), you help your child/teen see that there can be good, even in the mist of such a horrific event.

Be patient. In times of stress, children/teens may have trouble with their behavior, concentration, and attention. While they may not openly ask for your guidance or support, they will want it. Adolescents who are seeking increased independence may have difficulty expressing their needs. Both children and teens will need a little extra patience, care, and love. (Be patient with yourself, too!).

Extra help. Should reactions continue or at any point interfere with your children’s/teens’ abilities to function or if you are worried, contact local mental health professionals who have expertise in trauma. Contact your family physician, pediatrician, or state mental health associations for referrals to such experts.

Talking to Children about the Shooting content is courtesy of the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (www.NCTSN.org)

High profile acts of violence, particularly in schools, can confuse and frighten children who may feel in danger or worry that their friends or loved-ones are at risk. They will look to adults for information and guidance on how to react. Parents and school personnel can help children feel safe by establishing a sense of normalcy and security and talking with them about their fears.  

1. Reassure children that they are safe. Emphasize that schools are very safe. Validate their feelings. Explain that all feelings are okay when a tragedy occurs. Let children talk about their feelings, help put them into perspective, and assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately. 

2. Make time to talk. Let their questions be your guide as to how much information to provide. Be patient. Children and youth do not always talk about their feelings readily.  Watch for clues that they may want to talk, such as hovering around while you do the dishes or yard work. Some children prefer writing, playing music, or doing an art project as an outlet.  Young children may need concrete activities (such as drawing, looking at picture books, or imaginative play) to help them identify and express their feelings.  

3. Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate.  

• Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that their school and homes are safe and that adults are there to protect them. Give simple examples of school safety like reminding children about exterior doors being locked, child monitoring efforts on the playground, and emergency drills practiced during the school day.  
• Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Discuss efforts of school and community leaders to provide safe schools.  
• Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence in schools and society. They will share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. Emphasize the role that students have in maintaining safe schools by following school safety guidelines (e.g. not providing building access to strangers, reporting strangers on campus, reporting threats to the school safety made by students or community members, etc.), communicating any personal safety concerns to school administrators, and accessing support for emotional needs.   

4. Review safety procedures. This should include procedures and safeguards at school and at home. Help children identify at least one adult at school and in the community to whom they go if they feel threatened or at risk. 

5. Observe children’s emotional state. Some children may not express their concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can indicate a child’s level of anxiety or discomfort.  In most children, these symptoms will ease with reassurance and time. However, some children may be at risk for more intense reactions. Children who have had a past traumatic experience or personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or with special needs may be at greater risk for severe reactions than others. Seek the help of mental health professional if you are at all concerned.  

6. Limit television viewing of these events.  Limit television viewing and be aware if the television is on in common areas. Developmentally inappropriate information can cause anxiety or confusion, particularly in young children. Adults also need to be mindful of the content of conversations that they have with each other in front of children, even teenagers, and limit their exposure to vengeful, hateful, and angry comments that might be misunderstood.  

7. Maintain a normal routine. Keeping to a regular schedule can be reassuring and promote physical health. Ensure that children get plenty of sleep, regular meals, and exercise. Encourage them to keep up with their schoolwork and extracurricular activities but don’t push them if they seem overwhelmed. 

Suggested Points to Emphasize When Talking to Children 

• Schools are safe places. School staff work with parents and public safety providers (local police and fire departments, emergency responders, hospitals, etc.) to keep you safe. 
• The school building is safe because … (cite specific school procedures). 
• We all play a role in the school safety. Be observant and let an adult know if you see or 
• hear something that makes you feel uncomfortable, nervous or frightened.  
• There is a difference between reporting, tattling or gossiping. You can provide important information that may prevent harm either directly or anonymously by telling a trusted adult what you know or hear.  
• Don’t dwell on the worst possibilities. Although there is no absolute guarantee that something bad will never happen, it is important to understand the difference between the possibility of something happening and the probability that it will affect our school.  
• Senseless violence is hard for everyone to understand. Doing things that you enjoy, sticking to your normal routine, and being with friends and family help make us feel better and keep us from worrying about the event.   
• Sometimes people do bad things that hurt others. They may be unable to handle their anger, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or suffering from mental illness. Adults (parents, teachers, police officers, doctors, faith leaders) work very hard to get those people help and keep them from hurting others. It is important for all of us to know how to get help if we feel really upset or angry and to stay away from drugs and alcohol.   
• Stay away from guns and other weapons. Tell an adult if you know someone has a gun. Access to guns is one of the leading risk factors for deadly violence. 
• Violence is never a solution to personal problems. Students can be part of the positive solution by participating in anti-violence programs at school, learning conflict mediation skills, and seeking help from an adult if they or a peer is struggling with anger, depression, or other emotions they cannot control. 

NASP has additional information for parents and educators on school safety, violence prevention, children’s trauma reactions, and crisis response.

Talking to Children about Violence: Tips for Parents and Teachers courtesy of the National Association of School Psychologists

Whenever a national tragedy occurs, such as terrorist attacks or natural disasters, children, like many people, may be confused or frightened. Most likely they will look to adults for information and guidance on how to react. Parents and school personnel can help children cope first and foremost by establishing a sense of safety and security. As more information becomes available, adults can continue to help children work through their emotions and perhaps even use the process as a learning experience.

All Adults Should:

• Model calm and control. Children take their emotional cues from the significant adults in their lives. Avoid appearing anxious or frightened.
• Reassure children that they are safe and (if true) so are the other important adults in their lives. Depending on the situation, point out factors that help insure their immediate safety and that of their community.
• Remind them that trustworthy people are in charge. Explain that the government emergency workers, police, firefighters, doctors, and the military are helping people who are hurt and are working to ensure that no further tragedies occur.
• Let children know that it is okay to feel upset. Explain that all feelings are okay when a tragedy like this occurs. Let children talk about their feelings and help put them into perspective. Even anger is okay, but children may need help and patience from adults to assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately.
• Observe children’s emotional state. Depending on their age, children may not express their concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can also indicate a child’s level of grief, anxiety, or discomfort. Children will express their emotions differently. There is no right or wrong way to feel or express grief.
• Look for children at greater risk. Children who have had a past traumatic experience or personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or with special needs may be at greater risk for severe reactions than others. Be particularly observant for those who may be at risk of suicide. Seek the help of mental health professional if you are at all concerned.
• Tell children the truth. Don’t try to pretend the event has not occurred or that it is not serious. Children are smart. They will be more worried if they think you are too afraid to tell them what is happening.
• Stick to the facts. Don’t embellish or speculate about what has happened and what might happen. Don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy, particularly with your children.
• Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate.
  • Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that the daily structures of their lives will not change.
  • Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy.
  • Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in schools and society. They will share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. They will be more committed to doing something to help the victims and affected community.
  • For all children, encourage them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Be a good listener!
• Monitor your own stress level. Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief,  and anger. Talking to friends, family members, religious leaders, and mental health counselors can help. It is okay to let your children know that you are sad, but that you believe things will get better. You will be better able to support your children if you can express your own emotions in a productive manner. Get appropriate sleep, nutrition, and exercise.

What Parents Can Do:

• Focus on your children over the week following the tragedy. Tell them you love them and everything will be okay. Try to help them understand what has happened, keeping in mind their developmental level.
• Make time to talk with your children. Remember if you do not talk to your children about this incident someone else will. Take some time and determine what you wish to say.
• Stay close to your children. Your physical presence will reassure them and give you the opportunity to monitor their reaction. Many children will want actual physical contact. Give plenty of hugs. Let them sit close to you, and make sure to take extra time at bedtime to cuddle and to reassure them that they are loved and safe.
• Limit your child’s televison viewing of these events. If they must watch, watch with them for a brief time; then turn the set off. Don’t sit mesmerized watching the same events over and over again.
• Maintain a “normal” routine. To the extent possible, stick to your family’s normal routine for dinner, homework, chores, bedtime, etc., but don’t be inflexible. Children may have a hard time concentrating on schoolwork or falling asleep at night.
• Spend extra time reading or playing quiet games with your children before bed. These activities are calming, foster a sense of closeness and security, and reinforce a sense of normalcy. Spend more time tucking them in. Let them sleep with a light on if they ask for it.
• Safeguard your children’s physical health. Stress can take a physical toll on children as well as adults. Make sure your children get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
• Consider praying or thinking hopeful thoughts for the victims and their families. It may be a good time to take your children to your place of worship, write a poem, or draw a picture to help your child express their feelings and feel that they are somehow supporting the victims and their families.
• Find out what resources your school has in place to help children cope. Most schools are likely to be open and often are a good place for children to regain a sense of normalcy. Being with their friends and teachers can help. Schools should also have a plan for making counseling available to children and adults who need it.

 What Schools Can Do:

• Assure children that they are safe and that schools are well prepared to take care of all children at all times.
• Maintain structure and stability within the schools. It would be best, however, not to have tests or major projects within the next few days.
• Have a plan for the first few days back at school. Include school psychologists, counselors, and
• Provide teachers and parents with information about what to say and do for children in school and at home.
• Have teachers provide information directly to their students, not during the public address announcements.
• Have school psychologists and counselors available to talk to students and staff who may need or want extra support.
• Be aware of students who may have recently experienced a personal tragedy or a have personal connection to victims or their families. Even a child who has merely visited the affected area or community may have a strong reaction. Provide these students extra support and leniency if necessary. Know what community resources are available for children who may need extra counseling. School psychologists can be very helpful in directing families to the right community resources.
• Allow time for age appropriate classroom discussion and activities. Do not expect teachers to provide all of the answers. They should ask questions and guide the discussion, but not dominate it. Other activities can include art and writing projects, play acting, and physical games.
• Be careful not to stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the tragedy. Children can easily generalize negative statements and develop prejudice. Talk about tolerance and justice versus vengeance. Stop any bullying or teasing of students immediately.
• Refer children who exhibit extreme anxiety, fear or anger to mental health counselors in the school. Inform their parents.
• Consider making get well cards or
• sending letters to the families and survivors of the tragedy, or writing thank you letters to doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals as well as emergency rescue workers, firefighters and police.
• Monitor or restrict viewing scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.

For information on helping children and youth with this crisis, visit NASP on the web.

Talk Early, Talk Often, and Never Stop Talking.

• Develop an open, honest and trusting communication between you and your child-it is essential to helping them avoid substance use.
• Encourage conversation - Don't lecture. As parents we want to have “all the answers” sometimes we are so anxious to share our wisdom or our opinion that we don’t take the time to listen.  
• Listen without interruption- your active listening will start a trend for conversations about topics that concern you.
• Ask open-ended questions - avoid questions that have a simple "yes" or "no" answer.
• Encourage your teen to tell you they think and feel about the issue you're discussing.
• Control your emotions - if you hear something you don't like, don’t respond with anger. Take a minute and a few deep breaths. Acknowledge your feelings in a constructive way.
• Watch your tone of voice and body language. Model what you want your teen to do.
• Show respect for your kid’s viewpoint will make them more likely to listen to and respect your viewpoint.
• The truth is important - if you have a family history issue with alcohol or drugs, be matter of fact about it, as you would any other chronic disease, such as high blood pressure or diabetes.
• Remember to talk to your kids about drug advertising. Most messages are especially powerful and influence kids more than you know.
• Focus efforts on teaching children what TO do, instead of what NOT to do, and reminding them regularly that the majority of youth do not drink alcohol or do drugs.
• The more you talk to your kids, and the more you really get to know them, the easier it will be to gauge what they need to hear. 

Partnership to End Addiction Parent Toolkit

Youth vaping is on the rise – in 2024, 7.8 percent of high school students and 3.5 percent of middle school students, which equals about 1.63 million students, used e-cigarettes. CATCH My Breath offers a parent toolkit with facts about vaping and effective ways for families and caregivers to talk about dangers of vaping with their students.

CATCH My Breath Parent Toolkit - CATCH

The New York State Department of Health’s Tobacco Control Program, together with the New York State Quitline (NYS Quitline), is offers a texting program called DropTheVape as a confidential and free skill-building tool to overcome nicotine addiction.

For more than a decade, e-cigarette use or “vaping” continues to be a popular trend in tobacco product use, especially among young people and young adults. Much like commercial combustible cigarettes, these products carry both mental and physical health risks and are difficult to quit.

Clinicians and researchers at Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center (Roswell Park) in Buffalo, N.Y., the NYS Quitline’s physical location, tailored the text messages in DropTheVape particularly for young people and young adults; however, the program can conveniently help people of all ages overcome a variety of tobacco products. Upon registering for texts, program participants will receive daily messages over the course of six weeks, with interactive skill-building for managing stress, handling cravings and maintaining confidence in social situations.

In addition to using the DropTheVape texting program, anyone seeking assistance to overcome the use of tobacco products may contact the NYS Quitline by calling 1-866-NY-QUITS (1-866-697-8487). They can also visit nysmokefree.com to reach a specialist through an online chat, request a call-back or order free nicotine replacement therapy medications. The NYS Quitline’s broader free text-support program, which focuses primarily on overcoming commercial combustible tobacco products such as cigarettes, is available by texting QUITNOW (English) or DÉJELO YA NY (Spanish) to 333888.

Visit DropTheVape